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Road Tool Bag

March 23rd, 2010 admin No comments

Road Tool Bag

Critique this sound poem?

I didn't like the line about "faithful father, bla bla bla," but it was required for my assignment. Please critique?

Trotting slowly upon the hard dirt road,
A wealthy priest traveled low.
A faithful father fearing for his flesh.
Wary of a feeling, of something amiss.
His horse, placidly plodding felt it too,
And down the cobble the pony flew.
A bang was followed by blood-stained snow,
The priest was halted with nowhere to go.
Stripped of his clothes, bags and tools,
The holyman found himself to be such a fool,
At a burglar's hands his horse had died,
For the sake of his wealth and stupid pride.

It feels very standardized, yes, but it is still very good for a poem in that category. It tells a story and it's nice to follow the poem through. I like that there was alliteration. The imagery is there, but it's flat in some parts. You could spice it up with some poetic decoration, give it some depth with a symbol or allusion if you can find one that fits. I would eliminate "stupid pride" and "wealth" in the last line. I think you have the skill to come up with something more creative. I wouldn't use "halted" it doesn't fit in with the tone considering the situation. "nowhere to go" is flat and even though "go" rhymes it makes the line weaker for placement there. "Found himself to be..." line is too wordy, could be smoother. These are only notes to make it more elegant, but in no way I am implying that this is a bad poem. It's actually very good. Good luck.